Saturday, February 6, 2010

Picking up the pieces

As if in a song, I've tried composing myself to try to call you. I don't got the nerve to do it. Maybe, I'm paranoid, but your face kept on haunting me, every night, every day. The meaning of the love songs played on the radio didn't seem to affect me anymore. I'm feeling numb, inside and out. The numbness of being alone, without anyone to talk to.
I've tried drowning myself to sleep for the past two months. The hurting feeling was replaced by hallucinations at night because of the booze. I didn't do drugs. The wine and hard liquors I had drank during the dark, cold nights are my friends now. They are my escape to reality; a reality that has no meaning. The emptiness inside of me seemed unfathomable. Whenever I sleep, I felt like dropping, like a weightless feather in an endless black hole. I tried screaming but I cannot hear my voice, my shout. The voiceless shout I uttered will drove me to wake up groggily.
And yet, the house is still empty.
Our relationship is like that of other couples. We started as friends, then went to an intimate stage. We prayed it will last forever, but forever is not a reality. It became a nightmare for both of us. Unguarded moments made us utter harsh remarks. As emotional as you are, you cannot stand my silence. I didn't want to confront you verbally. I want you to think what you've said, what you've done. I believe that in silence, there is more understanding about the things we've done.
Our friends intervened. They didn't know the truth about our separation but, they kept on meddling in our affairs. I cannot stand all the nagging and questioning. They should respect our opinion, yours and mine but they continue.
Ah. woman, I cannot understand you. You get the community involved. What more can I do but to escape and live in solitude. I don't want to hear shouting and harsh words. It will only make the wounds painful.
Even if we become friends again,it will never be the same just like before. There will always be a gap between us. A wall of silence, that is. A barrier that will lead me to another road of uncertainty. Facing the uncertain future will be hard and bumpy because you're not with me.
The plans we made will be erased in my mind. I will have to make a new resolution for a new beginning, just like you'll do. It will be difficult at first but we'll persevere. Everytime we fall, there are always a chance to rise up again.
We'll be in our own separate ways. Although, the love we had was bittersweet; it will be my stepping stone to look for that elusive true love. I know, in my heart, you'll do it, too. To forget me and to save the best for last love that will come to both of us.
The crying, the bitterness...empty room, empty hearts...really our love was not meant to be.